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- //scream. "You don't know anything about me.", she screamed, into the darkness of the night as it swallowed her whole. But then again, who was she to blame? For she had closed all her doors and turned her back on everyone who had tried to sneak a glimpse through the keyhole. -- (old draft) how is it that the people I like the most somehow always manage to surprise me at the randomest of times when they begin to slip my mind and I least expect anything? what is this some kind of strange telepathy? are my thoughts being broadcasted to the world? ((well if they are, hello world welcome to yang dingg's mind haha)) floating. (old draft) Do you ever get those days where you just feel cold and lonely and you can't seem to get anything done? Well I'm having one of those days. 2am It's 2am and I'm once again, attempting (and failing) to be productive. So my coursework for my school's art elective programme will be due on the coming Monday, and I'm actually pretty concerned about whether or not I'm going to be able to finish my artwork. I've chosen to do an animation, which if you ask me now, was quite a silly and rash decision at the time. Most (professional) animators take ages to animate things, and here I am as an amateur trying to take on Goliath. Well, since I'm in it, I don't think I can get out of it anymore, especially at this stage so I guess I'll just have to work with what I've got, if I really can't finish I'll probably have to cut out most of my story but well, that's that. You can view my progress on my storyboard here on my Instagram if you're interested haha but it's nothing much. Speaking of Instagram, you can go check out my photos from The Colour Run as well! The Colour Run was well, pretty fun I guess, but it didn't exactly turn out how I planned it to be. As I mentioned earlier on, I was supposed to go with my best friend of 9 years. In the end the said friend wasn't allowed to go so I just kind of tagged along with two of my classmates — Re and Zix (pseudonyms). But hey, it didn't turn out all that bad, it was actually a pretty memorable run and I thought it was pretty cool how everyone was so enthusiastic and we got to hi-five a lot of runners haha. You don't usually see Singaporeans doing this kind of thing so I thought this event was really quite a good exposure. Of course, I was pretty sad that s.a and I couldn't go for the run together though. Hopefully we'll be able to meet up some time soon and celebrate her birthday properly!! Also, I just changed my blogger theme again and I have to say I really like the new one! Pretty minimalist which is definitely something I appreciate nowadays considering how cluttered my mind is and how hectic life is getting with End-Of-Years just around the corner and me still struggling to complete my coursework. I kind of can't wait to get back to school and get my life back on track because currently AEP has completely messed up my study plans. Okay, I guess I should probably sleep now haha it's been a long day, and a long week and I'm pretty beat. Hopefully I can wake up tomorrow to do my coursework otherwise I'm pretty darn screwed haha. Well good night then, I'll leave you with this photo: 
#lifegoals
-- hmm well looks like I've been posting pretty regularly since this blog was set up in the sense that I post every month HAHA which I think is well, pretty great. Anyway, today I'm back with another ramble so bear with my nonsense for a while or skip this post haha thanks. I don't know how else to put this. I like you, but I can't like you. I shouldn't like you. It's all wrong and I know it but I don't now how to stop this. The emotions just keep gushing out like water through a crack in a bucket, and the thing is it's mostly pain more than anything else. Why? Because for one thing, I know I can't and shouldn't like you. Secondly? Because I know I'll never be liked in return. Thirdly? Even if I was liked in return, I'd still decline. Why? Because the fact still remains that I'd rather have my own heart ripped into shreds with the pain of it breaking than to risk myself causing the same pain to you as I once did to him. It's wrong, it's all so wrong, and I know it. Teach me how to stop it, please. You have no idea how my heart aches and wails and my soul writhes in agony, unseen, below the facade of my smile. Tell me straight in the face maybe so my heart can be reduced to nothing and I will never feel again. Last year when I tried to make myself feel for him as he did for me, my heart refused to un-numb itself. But now it lies sensitive and vulnerable within the cavity of my chest, surrounded by the "walls" of my ribcage that do nothing in protecting it from emotional hurt. Teach me how to not love you, please. sighs. Hey again. So here I am back again with another blog post even though I should probably be studying for my Math Quiz, but there's been a lot on my mind lately and I really really need to get things off my chest so here goes. (Note: I didn't really know where this post was going when I was actually writing it so please bear with me for a moment haha) Well firstly, as you guys may or may not know by now, I'm sort of a worry wart. Okay actually, I AM a worry wart. So yes, I've been worrying a lot recently, to be more specific, I've been worrying about my friends. Lately it seems as if many of my close friends are sinking into dark abysses of melancholiness and doom. As ridiculously exaggerated as that might sound, I can't exactly deny it either. You see, I suspect one of my friends is anorexic, and while I shall not name her or disclose much information here, I must say she's in a rather worrying state and my other friends and I are really at a loss as to what we should do. We want to help her of course, but she keeps denying the facts even when we've seen certain things with our own eyes and so we can't exactly confront her about it which is well, pretty frustrating. It seems like the stressful education system and environment that we've been trapped in all these years is beginning to take its toll on my friends and I as we all sink deeper and deeper. I thought it was just me feeling like I was crumbling bit by bit, but I realised that many of my friends feel the same way. People our age are supposed to sleep 9-10hours, my friends and I usually sleep about 4-5 hours at best. We used to be able to survive on 2-3 hours of sleep too but now even our health is failing us and most of us feel tired by 9pm at night when in the past we could last until 1am or so. What is it with our system which condemns us to this sort of fate at age 16? Doesn't anyone see anything wrong with this?? Studies have been done and most of our school is sleep deprived. We're just teenagers we're not even legal yet WHY do we have this problem even when our education system is supposedly one of the best in the world. I'm just rambling now but I really don't see why such things are happening nowadays. On another note, I'd like to pause for a moment and bring this post back to the subject of my friend who I mentioned in the second paragraph. What's done has been done and all we can do is try to work from here, hopefully my friends and I will be able to figure something out to help her. But I guess I just want to talk about the general topic about eating disorders, I can't say for myself what it's like to have an eating disorder because I technically, haven't ever had one, but I guess that everything you do will affect other people as well. So if you have ever called anyone fat or anything along those lines, take it back and go apologise. Yeah I don't know how to end this post. Bye. --   ohgoodness. my blog is beginning to become FULL of love posts this is terrible. I swear this is just a phase bear with me for a moment being 15 isn't easy. This post isn't exactly your standard "oh I like this guy and he's amazing" post though, so read on if you wish. So it's 12:01am and all I can think of is past experiences, how I've hurt people and possibly shaped things into the seemingly terrible state they are in now. I had a strange dream last night, it was something to do with a heavy heart and regrets about events in the past year or so. Let's face it, it's been a year and I guess I'll just simply never come to terms with what happened at the time. I don't really blame you for being a jerk, I blame myself for allowing you to be one. And I take full responsibility for everything so terribly wrong that we did while granting you full amnesty. There's a reason why I can't look you in the eye or speak a word to you — me. Every single day I continually wreck myself because of what I made you into. I'm sorry, things weren't meant to turn out this way. I intended for me to shut myself in forever and let you have your moment (a life-long moment at that) since I had long since become numb towards all emotion. But eventually, the crack in my composure widened and my emotions slipped back through the gaps, leaving you falling through the abyss they left behind and flailing desperately in avail. I'll say it. I didn't love you, I don't think I ever did. I thought I could pull it off and make you happy as long as I didn't let my emotions resurface. But like buoys held underwater by thin strands of seaweed, they tugged at my heartstrings and broke away from their binds, leaving both you and I confused and lost as they tore both of us apart in different ways. And in their wake, you were left numb and bleeding from open wounds whose scars still stand out evidently, whereas I was painfully reminded that emotions demand to be felt regardless of how insignificant they might seem. Now I see you seemingly desperately scrambling for other alternatives to soothe your burning scars in your ego and mind, filling the gaps in your soul with things I once thought you brought up as jokes. I now understand that you were somewhat testing the waters, but I was too cold for you. And my icy exterior has frozen and hardened your soul, transforming you into a crazed ravenous beast hungry for love. I'm sorry for making you this way, but I don't know how to help you. Aside from all of that, regarding the gifs above, I stumbled across some adventure time articles today and happened to think of the time when I found an adventure time video regarding Finn and the Flame Princess a while back. Having never watched Adventure Time before this, I decided to give it a shot and watch the episodes concerning the Flame Princess. While watching the episodes, I came across the aforementioned quote and decided to link it to my experience. If you're one of my friends (which you probably are), you probably already know that I don't intend to date or anything anymore and I guess if you read my post right here you'll already know why. I guess I just don't want to hurt anyone else again. So yup, just wanted to share this very relevant gif haha. What's ironic about the gif is that Princess Bubblegum in this case, is talking about a scientific chemical reaction and how people will die if Finn and the Flame Princess kiss etc. and then Finn is all like "hodamn she's jealous of me and the Flame Princess". Well. But anyways, I guess that means that that moment we shared would've been my first and my last time and that kind of makes me pretty sad thinking that well yeah you'll get what I mean if you're reading this and you know I'm talking about you. I guess it can't be helped though and it's a decision I came to on my own and I think in the long run it'll be beneficial to others in general you know? I don't know about you, but I don't want to go running around leaving scars anymore. I'd much rather leave scars and open wounds in myself than cause everlasting hurt to others. |
