shrugs.

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ohgoodness. my blog is beginning to become FULL of love posts this is terrible. I swear this is just a phase bear with me for a moment being 15 isn't easy. This post isn't exactly your standard "oh I like this guy and he's amazing" post though, so read on if you wish.

So it's 12:01am and all I can think of is past experiences, how I've hurt people and possibly shaped things into the seemingly terrible state they are in now. I had a strange dream last night, it was something to do with a heavy heart and regrets about events in the past year or so. Let's face it, it's been a year and I guess I'll just simply never come to terms with what happened at the time. I don't really blame you for being a jerk, I blame myself for allowing you to be one. And I take full responsibility for everything so terribly wrong that we did while granting you full amnesty. There's a reason why I can't look you in the eye or speak a word to you — me. Every single day I continually wreck myself because of what I made you into. I'm sorry, things weren't meant to turn out this way. I intended for me to shut myself in forever and let you have your moment (a life-long moment at that) since I had long since become numb towards all emotion. But eventually, the crack in my composure widened and my emotions slipped back through the gaps, leaving you falling through the abyss they left behind and flailing desperately in avail.

I'll say it. I didn't love you, I don't think I ever did. I thought I could pull it off and make you happy as long as I didn't let my emotions resurface. But like buoys held underwater by thin strands of seaweed, they tugged at my heartstrings and broke away from their binds, leaving both you and I confused and lost as they tore both of us apart in different ways. And in their wake, you were left numb and bleeding from open wounds whose scars still stand out evidently, whereas I was painfully reminded that emotions demand to be felt regardless of how insignificant they might seem. Now I see you seemingly desperately scrambling for other alternatives to soothe your burning scars in your ego and mind, filling the gaps in your soul with things I once thought you brought up as jokes. I now understand that you were somewhat testing the waters, but I was too cold for you. And my icy exterior has frozen and hardened your soul, transforming you into a crazed ravenous beast hungry for love. I'm sorry for making you this way, but I don't know how to help you.

Aside from all of that, regarding the gifs above, I stumbled across some adventure time articles today and happened to think of the time when I found an adventure time video regarding Finn and the Flame Princess a while back. Having never watched Adventure Time before this, I decided to give it a shot and watch the episodes concerning the Flame Princess. While watching the episodes, I came across the aforementioned quote and decided to link it to my experience. If you're one of my friends (which you probably are), you probably already know that I don't intend to date or anything anymore and I guess if you read my post right here you'll already know why. I guess I just don't want to hurt anyone else again. So yup, just wanted to share this very relevant gif haha. What's ironic about the gif is that Princess Bubblegum in this case, is talking about a scientific chemical reaction and how people will die if Finn and the Flame Princess kiss etc. and then Finn is all like "hodamn she's jealous of me and the Flame Princess". Well. But anyways, I guess that means that that moment we shared would've been my first and my last time and that kind of makes me pretty sad thinking that well yeah you'll get what I mean if you're reading this and you know I'm talking about you. I guess it can't be helped though and it's a decision I came to on my own and I think in the long run it'll be beneficial to others in general you know? I don't know about you, but I don't want to go running around leaving scars anymore. I'd much rather leave scars and open wounds in myself than cause everlasting hurt to others.